according to Myers-Briggs, I'm a...mess.

[avawatson]

I caught this interesting discussion of the Myers-Briggs personality types of John and Sherlock, and it got me thinking. (That's never a good start, is it?) And before you go thinking that hey, a lot of this sounds like the Hogwarts house self-sorting personal brain splat I did in another post, but with psychology terms shotgunned all over it, you'd be right. You'd be very very right. But I've honestly meant to do this for years now because, well. I'll get to that. Various cuts in this post are for length and to save you from reading too much personal drek if you don't want to.

I've taken the Myers-Briggs personality test a handful of times in my life. I remember early on -- I was a teenager -- I was an INTJ, and I felt that that suited me down to the ground. INTJ -- the Scientist. Rarest of all types. I remember feeling smug about it, too.

• The INTJ personality type is one of the rarest and most interesting types. Comprising only about 2 percent of the U.S. population (INTJ females are especially rare—just 0.8%), INTJs are often seen as highly intelligent and perplexingly mysterious. INTJ personalities radiate self-confidence, relying on their huge archive of knowledge spanning many different topics and areas. INTJs usually begin to develop that knowledge in early childhood (the “bookworm” nickname is quite common among INTJs) and keep on doing that later on in life.


• When someone with the INTJ personality has mastered their chosen area of knowledge (INTJs can find their strengths in several fields), they can quickly and honestly say whether they know the answer to a specific question. INTJs know what they know, and more importantly, they are confident in that knowledge. Unsurprisingly, this personality type can be labeled as the most independent of all types.


• INTJ personalities are perfectionists, and they enjoy improving ideas and systems they come in contact with. As INTJs are naturally curious, this tends to happen quite frequently. However, they always try to remain in the rational territory no matter how attractive the end goal is. Every idea that is generated by the INTJ’s mind or reaches it from the outside needs to pass the cold-blooded filter called “Is this going to work?” This is the INTJ’s coping mechanism, and they are notorious for applying it all the time, questioning everything and everyone.


• INTJ personalities also have an unusual combination of both decisiveness and vivid imagination. What this means in practice is that they can both design a brilliant plan and execute it.


• INTJs live in the world of ideas and strategic planning. They value intelligence, knowledge, and competence, and typically have high standards in these regards, which they continuously strive to fulfill. To a somewhat lesser extent, they have similar expectations of others.


• INTJs focus their energy on observing the world, and generating ideas and possibilities. Their mind constantly gathers information and makes associations about it. They are tremendously insightful and usually are very quick to understand new ideas.


• INTJs are driven to come to conclusions about ideas. Their need for closure and organization usually requires that they take some action.


• INTJ's tremendous value and need for systems and organization, combined with their natural insightfulness, makes them excellent scientists. An INTJ scientist gives a gift to society by putting their ideas into a useful form for others to follow. It is not easy for the INTJ to express their internal images, insights, and abstractions. The internal form of the INTJ's thoughts and concepts is highly individualized, and is not readily translatable into a form that others will understand.


• However, the INTJ is driven to translate their ideas into a plan or system that is usually readily explainable, rather than to do a direct translation of their thoughts. They usually don't see the value of a direct transaction, and will also have difficulty expressing their ideas, which are non-linear. However, their extreme respect of knowledge and intelligence will motivate them to explain themselves to another person who they feel is deserving of the effort.


• INTJs are natural leaders, although they usually choose to remain in the background until they see a real need to take over the lead. When they are in leadership roles, they are quite effective, because they are able to objectively see the reality of a situation, and are adaptable enough to change things which aren't working well. They are the supreme strategists - always scanning available ideas and concepts and weighing them against their current strategy, to plan for every conceivable contingency.


• The INTJ's interest in dealing with the world is to make decisions, express judgments, and put everything that they encounter into an understandable and rational system. Consequently, they are quick to express judgments. Often they have very evolved intuitions, and are convinced that they are right about things.


• Unless they complement their intuitive understanding with a well-developed ability to express their insights, they may find themselves frequently misunderstood. In these cases, INTJs tend to blame misunderstandings on the limitations of the other party, rather than on their own difficulty in expressing themselves. This tendency may cause the INTJ to dismiss others input too quickly, and to become generally arrogant and elitist.


• INTJs are ambitious, self-confident, deliberate, long-range thinkers. Many INTJs end up in engineering or scientific pursuits, although some find enough challenge within the business world in areas which involve organizing and strategic planning. They dislike messiness and inefficiency, and anything that is muddled or unclear. They value clarity and efficiency, and will put enormous amounts of energy and time into consolidating their insights into structured patterns.

But that isn't so much me anymore. Hasn't been for a long time. That was a younger me, a me that was probably in full bloom in high school. Brash and headstrong, fueled by self-righteousness (and often pubescent rage), resulting in what looked like self-confidence, but I'm not sure it ever was. And I'm forever frustrated that I can't go back and interview my old self, beat the truth out of the fabric of reality itself. I really want to know and won't ever be able to. Did the test take that into account? But I remember being that person: I was impatient and looking for results, wanting other people to get with the program and just hurry up already, I'm waiting. I had a clear idea of who I was and what I wanted out of every interaction, every field I was studying, everything I did. Even reading the description of INTJ now, I see a lot of myself in it, my past self and a little of me now, the bits I bury and make the choice to ignore. I recognize myself in those words, some version of me I no longer have access to 100% of the time.


I probably should've gone into science with that personality, and I didn't; my dad was in science and I bucked hard against that. I don't know why exactly; I was doing general relativity self-study in the years previous, but I got into my head that I could be a writer, a historian, a different kind of researcher, that I could become an expert in humanity and the study of people, so I could help people that way. So I pushed myself into social sciences and humanities in college instead, where I developed wholly different strengths. But it wasn't really helping anybody. I made it a specialty to take apart other people and theories and texts, viciously and cleanly, and if my grades were anything to go by, I was damn good at it. And then my support system came crashing down around me and made me cope with things differently. Since I'd been 14 years old, I'd been co-dependent on a significant other -- I went from one long term boyfriend to the next and was on my second three-year-relationship by the time I was a sophomore in college -- and what I had to show for being highly emotionally invested in one person for so long was depression, flirting with anxiety and eating disorders, and more loneliness and anger than I'd had in my entire life before I was old enough to drink. I had no friends, and when I tried to be friends with the few people who seemed interested because I was, to them, a nerdy asian chick with big boobs, I had social growing pains of the like that I'm embarrassed to have gone through at 21, 22, and 23 years of age. And I just lost confidence in who I was, who I should've been and how. The breakup period that really wrecked me, going from 2004 and up through 2006, 2007ish -- wasn't going quickly enough, and I remember lamenting that there was nothing I could do to fix my broken, unwanted-by-everyone personality but give it time.

(I probably should've gone to therapy or tried to get medicated, but that didn't happen.)


I took the test again in college, and once more right out of college -- and then twice today. I don't remember the college and post-college ones (they're in an email somewhere and I can't find them), but I just remember realizing that I was no longer an INTJ, and it felt like I completely lost track of who I was. I just became something else, following the depression of college, the trauma of rebuilding my social life when my romantic one couldn't prop it up anymore, and then professional dissatisfaction, bordering on failure. I was just...someone else when the fires subsided. I had to be. Someone my high school self wouldn't have recognized. And if it felt like death throes between 2001 and 2007, I guess that made sense. I was being reforged as someone else.

Today, I took the test twice, back to back. Unadvisable, probably, but I took it once and hemmed and hawed over fully a third of the questions because there just weren't easy ways to answer them. I got ISFJ that time. The second time, I made more snap decisions, really made myself pick an answer and didn't even remember what I'd picked the first time (because there was that much hemming and hawing). And I got ESFP. Screenshots of the percentage loadouts and personality descriptions under the cut, but I definitely feel ISFJ is a lot more on the money than ESFP.



The Nurturer

• The ISFJ personality type is perhaps the most altruistic and supportive of all types. Forming around 12.5% of the population, ISFJs rarely sit idle—there is always a worthy cause awaiting their attention.


• Most personalities are quite willing to reciprocate when it comes to good deeds; however, ISFJs take that to a higher level, often going above and beyond what is actually expected of them. People belonging to this type thrive in areas that are both traditional [they are Sentinels (SJs), after all] and involve a lot of activities where their input could make a huge positive difference.


• One of the hurdles that ISFJ personalities are likely to encounter in the professional environment is that it is quite difficult for an ISFJ to “advertise” their achievements. People with this personality type are prone to understating them, which leads to lack of recognition, missed promotions, and various misunderstandings.


• an ISFJ can easily notice discrepancies in someone’s story when the person repeats it again after a long period of time; ISFJs also find it very easy to choose the right gifts for persons they know well; finally, they may have no difficulties whatsoever making and maintaining personal and professional connections simply because they remember so many details about other people’s lives and habits—a very unusual trait for someone who is Introverted (I).


• People with this type are known for their meticulousness, patience, reliability, and analytical skills. This is quite an unusual combination given that this is a Feeling (F) type, but this is exactly what makes ISFJs so effective. They are unlikely to offer or embrace completely new and radical ideas or lead a team toward some big goal, but their determination and passion more than make up for it.


• ISFJs tend to overload themselves with work, but their kindness is abused just as often as it is respected.


• ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.


• ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.


• ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work.


• ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.


• More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.


• The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them.


• The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.


• ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed.

The Performer

• For ESFP personalities, life is a never-ending party. Forming around 7.5% of the population, ESFPs love being the center of attention and enjoy even the simplest things. Their fun and impulsive nature is usually very attractive to other people. People with this personality type never run out of ideas and their curiosity is insatiable. They will always be among the first to try something new and exciting.


• ESFPs love communicating with other people and can spend hours upon hours chatting about various topics. An ESFP has no clearer telltale than spending the last hour talking about everything but the topic that was supposed to be the main reason for the conversation. Not surprisingly, this personality type tends to be very popular in the company of Extraverted (E) types.


• ESFP personalities live in the world of opportunities and savor the pleasures, dramas, and ideas that life throws at them. They are immersed in a never-ending performance, trying to cheer other people up. ESFPs are extremely talented at making other people feel good and excited, and they enjoy this immensely. The earthy and often unique wit of ESFPs is a perfect symbol of their playfulness.


• ESFPs live in the world of people possibilties. They love people and new experiences. They are lively and fun, and enjoy being the center of attention. They live in the here-and-now, and relish excitement and drama in their lives.


• ESFPs have very strong inter-personal skills, and may find themselves in the role of the peacemaker frequently. Since they make decisions by using their personal values, they are usually very sympathetic and concerned for other people's well-being. They're usually quite generous and warm. They are very observant about other people, and seem to sense what is wrong with someone before others might, responding warmly with a solution to a practical need. They might not be the best advice-givers in the world, because they dislike theory and future-planning, but they are great for giving practical care.


• ESFP is definitely a spontaneous, optimistic individual. They love to have fun. If the ESFP has not developed their Thinking side by giving consideration to rational thought processing, they tend to become over-indulgent, and place more importance on immediate sensation and gratification than on their duties and obligations. They may also avoid looking at long-term consequences of their actions.


• For the ESFP, the entire world is a stage. They love to be the center of attention and perform for people. They're constantly putting on a show for others to entertain them and make them happy. They enjoy stimulating other people's senses, and are extremely good at it. They would love nothing more than for life to be a continual party, in which they play the role of the fun-loving host.


• ESFPs love people, and everybody loves an ESFP. One of their greatest gifts is their general acceptance of everyone. They are upbeat and enthusiastic, and genuinely like almost everybody. An ESFP is unfailingly warm and generous with their friends, and they generally treat everyone as a friend. However, once crosesed, an ESFP is likely to make a very strong and stubborn judgment against the person who crossed them. They are capable of deep dislike in such a situation.

So this is the thing I've been thinking about for years: I knew, have known for years, that I was no longer INTJ. And I wondered what, if anything, I could draw from the transition to what I am now. What I've been in the interim. And maybe I'm not supposed to do this sort of narrative theming of my life (or maybe I am? I really, really should have gone to therapy when I was most depressed in my life so I'd have a better sense of this now), but this is, in any event, what I'm doing.


I went from a type that is meant to be "Intuitive and Thinking" - fiercely independent, open-minded and imaginative, shining in intellectual debates and scientific or technological fields - to somewhere between "Observant and Judging" - highly practical, meticulous and traditional, embracing and creating order, security and stability wherever they go - and "Observant and Prospecting" - spontaneous, practical and inventive, able to quickly think on their feet and make best use of their surroundings.

And I can't help thinking that my personality is, at this point, apparently just a giant optimistic bandaid over older instincts. I can't help but think that who I am now is scar tissue that grew in reaction to an older archetype personality that I couldn't make work in the real world: it was lonely and angry and depressing and it left me wanting to die.*

And the moment that I had this thought, I realized something else about the John and Sherlock post that started me down this road. I started as Sherlock and ended as John. And for all that I love John, I realize why I adore Sherlock, why I feel protective and pained and helplessly devoted. This. This whole post, the pain of changing oneself and the joy of finding someone who allows you to be yourself. It hurts me right in a spot that I thought was healed over. And yes, I healed, but how I did it was by growing like a gnarled tree around a wound.

*That isn't me saying all John types are bandaiding larger problems or older scars, and I'm also not trying to say that Sherlock type personalities are depressed and angry and prone to suicidal thoughts. This is just me trying to say that the trajectory I took from one personality type to the next, training myself to focus on the things that I focus on now, because it's more positive and kind and makes for better coping than what I'd done in the past --  this has been my experience with these things and I've made a conscious choice to do some of them this way. And yet it wasn't a guidebook; it was piecemeal, one fight and one friendship at a time over the years. Without something like a heavily curated personality test to put it all into words, I don't think I would've drawn any conclusions at all about what I've been doing psychologically for the past 15 years.