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Me and my sassy twitter mouth made it to a blog post, thanks to this tweet:


Most of my reply back is reproduced below. Comments are moderated, so I'm not entirely sure when you'll see it on the blog post. But in any event, I have this ill-used livejournal and thought I'd thought-dump here.

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I did understand the ACD canon reference actually, but that's what I find slightly...clumsy, let's say. A bit forced. Of all the things I find Moftiss' Sherlock, wise, much less wisest, doesn't make the top ten.

I grant that this Sherlock may be on his way to becoming much more the wise Sherlock Holmes that the canon John Watson knows, admires, and eulogizes in The Final Problem, but at this point in the adaptation? In The Empty Hearse? God, you know I'm still thinking of the utterly overcome/compromised Sherlock in The Great Game who paced around the pool and scratched his hair with a loaded gun in his hand once Moriarty had left them alone. I'm thinking of Sherlock panicking at the restaurant where John is obviously about to propose and revealing himself with a jokey mustache. And yes, there's always the cabbie's pill game that Sherlock very unwisely played in A Study in Pink, explicitly not under duress, for which John rightly called him an idiot. Honestly, has Sherlock never seen Princess Bride?!

A couple people have poked me in the ribs about this particular tweet, saying that grief does odd things to a person. But FINA's Watson's writing for the Strand readers at this point, isn't he? Diagetically, he's reporting on the final adventure Holmes and he shared, the case that ended a great man's life. He's had time to digest and reflect. He's memorializing.

But John already eulogized him once and he didn't use the term wisest. In The Reichenbach Fall, his words were, "You were the best man, the most human...human being that I have ever known, and no one will ever convince me that you told me a lie." In public, on his blog, what he did say was very simply, "He was my best friend and I'll always believe in him." (If you take the johnwatsonblog.co.uk as canon.)

So maybe that's the disconnect between the words from FINA and the words that come out of John's mouth in TEH for me. What John's doing in TEH isn't eulogizing; this moment isn't meant to go beyond this subway car because presumably they're both about to die. No doubt, John's been grieving for last two years, but eulogizing, no. This John is repressed, "finds this stuff difficult." This John couldn't handle living at Baker Street and seeing Mrs. Hudson and talking to Ella about what Sherlock meant to him. This John, when he did eulogize Sherlock, did it before his grave, alone, after checking that Mrs. Hudson was out of earshot -- twice.

Hence Sherlock's surprise. He didn't suspect that John would harbor this high opinion of him still, after all this time. There's somehow more of where John's unfiltered s1-2 praise came from, more of the compulsive "that's amazing" praise that Sherlock is distinctly blase about by the time Irene Adler offers up her own version of it ("I'd have you twice right here on this desk until you begged for mercy"). Wise doesn't line up with my opinion of Sherlock at this point, despite the fact that supposedly series 1 and 2 were done in John POV. But John can't help what he thinks. It's little wonder that Sherlock memorializes him the way he does in his best man speech next episode.
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I caught this interesting discussion of the Myers-Briggs personality types of John and Sherlock, and it got me thinking. (That's never a good start, is it?) And before you go thinking that hey, a lot of this sounds like the Hogwarts house self-sorting personal brain splat I did in another post, but with psychology terms shotgunned all over it, you'd be right. You'd be very very right. But I've honestly meant to do this for years now because, well. I'll get to that. Various cuts in this post are for length and to save you from reading too much personal drek if you don't want to.

I've taken the Myers-Briggs personality test a handful of times in my life. I remember early on -- I was a teenager -- I was an INTJ, and I felt that that suited me down to the ground. INTJ -- the Scientist. Rarest of all types. I remember feeling smug about it, too.

Read more... )

But that isn't so much me anymore. Hasn't been for a long time. That was a younger me, a me that was probably in full bloom in high school. Brash and headstrong, fueled by self-righteousness (and often pubescent rage), resulting in what looked like self-confidence, but I'm not sure it ever was. And I'm forever frustrated that I can't go back and interview my old self, beat the truth out of the fabric of reality itself. I really want to know and won't ever be able to. Did the test take that into account? But I remember being that person: I was impatient and looking for results, wanting other people to get with the program and just hurry up already, I'm waiting. I had a clear idea of who I was and what I wanted out of every interaction, every field I was studying, everything I did. Even reading the description of INTJ now, I see a lot of myself in it, my past self and a little of me now, the bits I bury and make the choice to ignore. I recognize myself in those words, some version of me I no longer have access to 100% of the time.

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I took the test again in college, and once more right out of college -- and then twice today. I don't remember the college and post-college ones (they're in an email somewhere and I can't find them), but I just remember realizing that I was no longer an INTJ, and it felt like I completely lost track of who I was. I just became something else, following the depression of college, the trauma of rebuilding my social life when my romantic one couldn't prop it up anymore, and then professional dissatisfaction, bordering on failure. I was just...someone else when the fires subsided. I had to be. Someone my high school self wouldn't have recognized. And if it felt like death throes between 2001 and 2007, I guess that made sense. I was being reforged as someone else.

Today, I took the test twice, back to back. Unadvisable, probably, but I took it once and hemmed and hawed over fully a third of the questions because there just weren't easy ways to answer them. I got ISFJ that time. The second time, I made more snap decisions, really made myself pick an answer and didn't even remember what I'd picked the first time (because there was that much hemming and hawing). And I got ESFP. Screenshots of the percentage loadouts and personality descriptions under the cut, but I definitely feel ISFJ is a lot more on the money than ESFP.

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So this is the thing I've been thinking about for years: I knew, have known for years, that I was no longer INTJ. And I wondered what, if anything, I could draw from the transition to what I am now. What I've been in the interim. And maybe I'm not supposed to do this sort of narrative theming of my life (or maybe I am? I really, really should have gone to therapy when I was most depressed in my life so I'd have a better sense of this now), but this is, in any event, what I'm doing.

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[livejournal.com profile] pennswoods had this great thread about why people ship what they ship. And it's a very personal and raw, so I don't want to just casually link it here (but Shannon's great and I love following her on all the networks is what I'm saying). Anyway, many many of the comments are really great, and I posted, got some wonderful feedback, and I wanted to just reproduce for you what I wrote there.



I think this might merit a separate post I'd like to see one day (or start) here, but I'm one of those fans that identify with Sherlock. I love John; I do, but I identify with Sherlock. The performance of being Sherlock Holmes, the ambition of Sherlock Holmes, the insecurity and emotion and the uncontrolled bits and super-locked-down controlled bits, and the wanting of all of it, and the absolute not wanting of all of it. Sherlock is just...who I identify with.

John, I love, and Martin Freeman I love, but I almost love John through Sherlock's eyes. I love John through earlgreytea68's eyes. I love John through the fandom's eyes. But Sherlock, I never had to read meta or watch him be a BAMF in a fic or appreciate the actor in other roles. He's broken and I love him when he's pining, I love him when he's made whole, I love him when he finds that thing that makes him happy. I love that WHEN he's made whole, it isn't that he stops running or has a reason to stop running; he has someone to run WITH. And John, who doesn't know like Sherlock has known, that he's drawn to these things he shouldn't be drawn to, finds that too. And they can be happy in their way together. Running.

I really want Sherlock to be happy, but I sit with him in the pining and angst and pain too. And I ship johnlock because I can't see him loving anyone else. I can't see anyone else making him happy. I can't see anyone else having the power to hurt him or to make him jump off a building. John is it for Sherlock, and I feel that so much, I think about it and feel it every damn day.

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