avawatson: (Default)
So I just hooked up my instagram and my twitter to livejournal, and I am not entirely sure what this will do. After literal months of not checking my friends feed here, I saw Fox's account has started doing daily roundups of her tweets, and I thought that might be...interesting? If I did the same? God knows most of my time is spent on twitter and not here. Content quality varies a ton though. As long as it's daily and not, say, every time I tweet something, it'll probably be okay. Uh. *sweatdrop*

Or, it'll be hell and I'll disable it. But I thought I should meniton it. God, I wish I could be on LJ more, but it's just that extra stretch I can't often manage between all the other stuff I'm on; even tumblr vacillates between a chore and a relaxing timesink. Maybe if LJ were more viable for me as a mobile platform. But I'm not meant for longform posts that I don't edit to death. This didn't used to be the case, you know? I used to write and think fearlessly. It proved embarrassing after the fact, but now all my mortification and self-consciousness is frontloaded. Generally keeps me from posting at all. Better just make a joke on twitter, eh? Well, to be honest, johnlock feels are always relevant.

Anyway, that's what you have to look forward to, I suppose. Or not. I'm already somewhat embarrassed at what's going to turn up, one way or the other. And speaking of mobile platforms, I'm off to the store so that they can tell me if I can replace my phone, which got Diet Dr. Pepper in the electronic bits and has been fritzy and then nonresponsive since last night. Sigh. 
avawatson: (Default)
Feel free to disregard, I just need a place to make lists, and oh my god do I have lists.
Ugh?? )
avawatson: (Default)
Okay this is just meant to be funny but:

Real fuckin MBTI Analysis

  • ENTJ: Your evil boss

  • ESTJ: Kid you've known since like 4th grade who is a perfect honors student with a billion friends and is awesome at sports and has a bunch of clubs and has never gotten less than an A in their life and your mom always asks why you can't be more like them

  • ISTJ: Computer nerd who knows way too much about space travel, might be currently building a time machine in their basement

  • INTJ: evil genius, probably walter white, scary

  • INTP: Quiet pretentious asshole

  • ENTP: Loud pretentious asshole

  • ESTP: obnoxious straight boy in gym class

  • ISTP: fucking crazy, also likes cars for some reason

  • ISFP: quiet dumbass

  • ESFP: loud dumbass

  • INFP: can be the sweetest angel but WILL turn into fuckin satan if you piss them off

  • INFJ: 24/7 martyr complex

  • ESFJ: 50's housewife and mom

  • ISFJ: needy perfectionist, wannabe INFJ

  • ENFP: best friend in any cliche teen movie

  • ENFJ: emotional spazz who always wants a hug

Evidently, I'm either a loud dumbass or a needy perfectionist/wannabe 24/7 martyr complex. Whoops. Vacillating between those two explains an awful lot about my personality, to be honest.
avawatson: (Default)
Haven't posted in a while, but here's a thing I lifted from a meme I was tagged in on tumblr:

Rules: Find out what characters share the same personality type as you here and list the characters that you find relevant. Then tag five friends and let them know you tagged them!
Okay. So I’m one of those strange creatures who sometimes tests introvert and sometimes tests extrovert. I do very often test ESFP, but I question whether or not these characters are necessarily relevant or similar to me. I’m basically side eyeing almost everything here except Merida:
Read more... )
My ESFP side is definitely the pleaser. The one I turn on (and don’t find it all that difficult to turn on, if I’m honest) to get shit done, to talk to people, to get through parties and events and things. A bit unsurprisingly, the name of ESFP is actually the Performer. Per the test above, it actually says I’m an “explorer” which is the following role:
a bold and freedom-loving individual who enjoys pushing the limits and exploring the unknown. You are known for your enthusiasm, social skills and ability to cheer up those around you. Above you will find a brief overview of your personality traits - proceed to the type overview to learn much more about your personality type. Prepare to be impressed.
But the other one I test as a lot is ISFJ (again, depending on the day), or the protector, and these I don’t side eye these nearly as much. These guys I like, a lot more than I like the above group.
Read more... )
So a bit sadly, what I take from this is that I don’t find it difficult to perform, to push my extroverted self out, but I like myself better when I don’t. Er.
avawatson: (Default)
The way the backs of my eyes hurt feels like an indefensible, naked statement: the world's a poorer place. It feels indulgent and laden with guilt. Here we are, here we always are, in between other deaths, people with less success and shorter lives, close and far away. It feels selfish to mourn sometimes, preposterous to take one loss and stretch it across so much. But there's only so much mass in the universe, and it feels like a colossal waste that atoms, that have taken such balletic pains to collide and form stars and decay and become an individual person, should be undone just like that. A whole person, vanished.

I don't believe in god. I have a hard time with the sentiment that hopefully he's at peace now. I have a hard time with oblivion being okay.

Robin Williams died the day after my dad's birthday. He's always been the same age as my mom; I think of that whenever I see his birth year. I have more memories of laughing with him than I do with my own dad, for all that my dad lived for 4 years longer. What that says about me or him or my family life is probably telling of something.

I have a hard time with oblivion.
avawatson: (Default)
I took a D&D 3.x alignment test. It was arduous and outdated, I was frustrated with a lot of the choices, but this was my final result.

Read more... )
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I caught this interesting discussion of the Myers-Briggs personality types of John and Sherlock, and it got me thinking. (That's never a good start, is it?) And before you go thinking that hey, a lot of this sounds like the Hogwarts house self-sorting personal brain splat I did in another post, but with psychology terms shotgunned all over it, you'd be right. You'd be very very right. But I've honestly meant to do this for years now because, well. I'll get to that. Various cuts in this post are for length and to save you from reading too much personal drek if you don't want to.

I've taken the Myers-Briggs personality test a handful of times in my life. I remember early on -- I was a teenager -- I was an INTJ, and I felt that that suited me down to the ground. INTJ -- the Scientist. Rarest of all types. I remember feeling smug about it, too.

Read more... )

But that isn't so much me anymore. Hasn't been for a long time. That was a younger me, a me that was probably in full bloom in high school. Brash and headstrong, fueled by self-righteousness (and often pubescent rage), resulting in what looked like self-confidence, but I'm not sure it ever was. And I'm forever frustrated that I can't go back and interview my old self, beat the truth out of the fabric of reality itself. I really want to know and won't ever be able to. Did the test take that into account? But I remember being that person: I was impatient and looking for results, wanting other people to get with the program and just hurry up already, I'm waiting. I had a clear idea of who I was and what I wanted out of every interaction, every field I was studying, everything I did. Even reading the description of INTJ now, I see a lot of myself in it, my past self and a little of me now, the bits I bury and make the choice to ignore. I recognize myself in those words, some version of me I no longer have access to 100% of the time.

Read more... )

I took the test again in college, and once more right out of college -- and then twice today. I don't remember the college and post-college ones (they're in an email somewhere and I can't find them), but I just remember realizing that I was no longer an INTJ, and it felt like I completely lost track of who I was. I just became something else, following the depression of college, the trauma of rebuilding my social life when my romantic one couldn't prop it up anymore, and then professional dissatisfaction, bordering on failure. I was just...someone else when the fires subsided. I had to be. Someone my high school self wouldn't have recognized. And if it felt like death throes between 2001 and 2007, I guess that made sense. I was being reforged as someone else.

Today, I took the test twice, back to back. Unadvisable, probably, but I took it once and hemmed and hawed over fully a third of the questions because there just weren't easy ways to answer them. I got ISFJ that time. The second time, I made more snap decisions, really made myself pick an answer and didn't even remember what I'd picked the first time (because there was that much hemming and hawing). And I got ESFP. Screenshots of the percentage loadouts and personality descriptions under the cut, but I definitely feel ISFJ is a lot more on the money than ESFP.

Read more... )

So this is the thing I've been thinking about for years: I knew, have known for years, that I was no longer INTJ. And I wondered what, if anything, I could draw from the transition to what I am now. What I've been in the interim. And maybe I'm not supposed to do this sort of narrative theming of my life (or maybe I am? I really, really should have gone to therapy when I was most depressed in my life so I'd have a better sense of this now), but this is, in any event, what I'm doing.

Read more... )
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It has been several years since I had a livejournal account. I can't even remember my first account, but it must have been about 1999 or 2000, I want to say. It was definitely before college, which I started in 2001.

I really almost can't believe I'm back. I don't feel facetious at all in saying that this feels like I've picked up a long under-control drug habit after many years on the wagon. And I promise I've never had substance abuse issues, but man, I've had internet codependence issues for just about all my adult life. That sort of thing was kind of shunned at one point in my life, but nowadays I think people don't judge you anymore for it. It's normal. It's not just nerds who are like this. (I'll confess I think of many of the people on tumblr as one of the cool kids, and I envy that they get social media in an age of geek chic.)

But this nigh uncomfortable nostalgia trip is something I feel is fairly unique to the generation that discovered the internet, as opposed to the generation just after mine that was basically born into it. (Insert Bane reference here.)

Or maybe I'm talking out of my ass because I'm sleep deprived. Maybe it's not generational at all; maybe it's just personal. All those years ago...livejournal in particular was not a positive place for me. I feel like over the years, I've forged the internet to be a much more positive place for me. But it used to be nothing but a bottomless trough of post-pubescent angst. Not because of anything inherent in it, but this place was one of solace and anger and grief that life wasn't what I wanted it to be, and nothing at all resembling squee. It was shelter, and very often just an echo chamber for my personal venting. I was so depressed and angry. It saddens me just to think about it.

Now I'm anxious, but I don't think rage issues and depression are the name of the game anymore. That's something like progress.

I checked out some of my old accounts. Skimmed, because so much of it was still really painful to go back to. I found an old tagline of mine that I remember using often, across many account moves. "My name is Caroline. I live in New York. Everything else is a work in progress." Thirteen years later and this is still the case. I guess I never expected any different. I was never going to turn out like some kind of cake, but the surprise really is that life feels very circular indeed. Back on lj of all places. Caroline, this is your life.

In future, friends, I might put personal posts like this one in a friends-only bubble. It's strange the things we share with the world, the walls we put up. Personal posts on an ostensibly fannish existence livejournal. I'm mostly anonymous to my fandom friends, even though many of you actually talk to me more often than some real life friends, and you are privy to the nightblogging world of my mind and you know my kinks and preoccupations. The shape of my privacy in this world seems strange and I'm making it up as I go along. But for now, chalk it up to the sleep deprivation. Another thing that hasn't changed in my adult life.

July 2017

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