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Wherein I stress ramble endlessly. I don't care the info here is public or that you read it, but it is cut because there's just an obnoxious number of words and it starts falling apart like I've forgotten how to string them together. Sigh. My brain's swiss cheesed. You'll see.

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So I just hooked up my instagram and my twitter to livejournal, and I am not entirely sure what this will do. After literal months of not checking my friends feed here, I saw Fox's account has started doing daily roundups of her tweets, and I thought that might be...interesting? If I did the same? God knows most of my time is spent on twitter and not here. Content quality varies a ton though. As long as it's daily and not, say, every time I tweet something, it'll probably be okay. Uh. *sweatdrop*

Or, it'll be hell and I'll disable it. But I thought I should meniton it. God, I wish I could be on LJ more, but it's just that extra stretch I can't often manage between all the other stuff I'm on; even tumblr vacillates between a chore and a relaxing timesink. Maybe if LJ were more viable for me as a mobile platform. But I'm not meant for longform posts that I don't edit to death. This didn't used to be the case, you know? I used to write and think fearlessly. It proved embarrassing after the fact, but now all my mortification and self-consciousness is frontloaded. Generally keeps me from posting at all. Better just make a joke on twitter, eh? Well, to be honest, johnlock feels are always relevant.

Anyway, that's what you have to look forward to, I suppose. Or not. I'm already somewhat embarrassed at what's going to turn up, one way or the other. And speaking of mobile platforms, I'm off to the store so that they can tell me if I can replace my phone, which got Diet Dr. Pepper in the electronic bits and has been fritzy and then nonresponsive since last night. Sigh. 
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I caught this interesting discussion of the Myers-Briggs personality types of John and Sherlock, and it got me thinking. (That's never a good start, is it?) And before you go thinking that hey, a lot of this sounds like the Hogwarts house self-sorting personal brain splat I did in another post, but with psychology terms shotgunned all over it, you'd be right. You'd be very very right. But I've honestly meant to do this for years now because, well. I'll get to that. Various cuts in this post are for length and to save you from reading too much personal drek if you don't want to.

I've taken the Myers-Briggs personality test a handful of times in my life. I remember early on -- I was a teenager -- I was an INTJ, and I felt that that suited me down to the ground. INTJ -- the Scientist. Rarest of all types. I remember feeling smug about it, too.

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But that isn't so much me anymore. Hasn't been for a long time. That was a younger me, a me that was probably in full bloom in high school. Brash and headstrong, fueled by self-righteousness (and often pubescent rage), resulting in what looked like self-confidence, but I'm not sure it ever was. And I'm forever frustrated that I can't go back and interview my old self, beat the truth out of the fabric of reality itself. I really want to know and won't ever be able to. Did the test take that into account? But I remember being that person: I was impatient and looking for results, wanting other people to get with the program and just hurry up already, I'm waiting. I had a clear idea of who I was and what I wanted out of every interaction, every field I was studying, everything I did. Even reading the description of INTJ now, I see a lot of myself in it, my past self and a little of me now, the bits I bury and make the choice to ignore. I recognize myself in those words, some version of me I no longer have access to 100% of the time.

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I took the test again in college, and once more right out of college -- and then twice today. I don't remember the college and post-college ones (they're in an email somewhere and I can't find them), but I just remember realizing that I was no longer an INTJ, and it felt like I completely lost track of who I was. I just became something else, following the depression of college, the trauma of rebuilding my social life when my romantic one couldn't prop it up anymore, and then professional dissatisfaction, bordering on failure. I was just...someone else when the fires subsided. I had to be. Someone my high school self wouldn't have recognized. And if it felt like death throes between 2001 and 2007, I guess that made sense. I was being reforged as someone else.

Today, I took the test twice, back to back. Unadvisable, probably, but I took it once and hemmed and hawed over fully a third of the questions because there just weren't easy ways to answer them. I got ISFJ that time. The second time, I made more snap decisions, really made myself pick an answer and didn't even remember what I'd picked the first time (because there was that much hemming and hawing). And I got ESFP. Screenshots of the percentage loadouts and personality descriptions under the cut, but I definitely feel ISFJ is a lot more on the money than ESFP.

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So this is the thing I've been thinking about for years: I knew, have known for years, that I was no longer INTJ. And I wondered what, if anything, I could draw from the transition to what I am now. What I've been in the interim. And maybe I'm not supposed to do this sort of narrative theming of my life (or maybe I am? I really, really should have gone to therapy when I was most depressed in my life so I'd have a better sense of this now), but this is, in any event, what I'm doing.

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It has been several years since I had a livejournal account. I can't even remember my first account, but it must have been about 1999 or 2000, I want to say. It was definitely before college, which I started in 2001.

I really almost can't believe I'm back. I don't feel facetious at all in saying that this feels like I've picked up a long under-control drug habit after many years on the wagon. And I promise I've never had substance abuse issues, but man, I've had internet codependence issues for just about all my adult life. That sort of thing was kind of shunned at one point in my life, but nowadays I think people don't judge you anymore for it. It's normal. It's not just nerds who are like this. (I'll confess I think of many of the people on tumblr as one of the cool kids, and I envy that they get social media in an age of geek chic.)

But this nigh uncomfortable nostalgia trip is something I feel is fairly unique to the generation that discovered the internet, as opposed to the generation just after mine that was basically born into it. (Insert Bane reference here.)

Or maybe I'm talking out of my ass because I'm sleep deprived. Maybe it's not generational at all; maybe it's just personal. All those years ago...livejournal in particular was not a positive place for me. I feel like over the years, I've forged the internet to be a much more positive place for me. But it used to be nothing but a bottomless trough of post-pubescent angst. Not because of anything inherent in it, but this place was one of solace and anger and grief that life wasn't what I wanted it to be, and nothing at all resembling squee. It was shelter, and very often just an echo chamber for my personal venting. I was so depressed and angry. It saddens me just to think about it.

Now I'm anxious, but I don't think rage issues and depression are the name of the game anymore. That's something like progress.

I checked out some of my old accounts. Skimmed, because so much of it was still really painful to go back to. I found an old tagline of mine that I remember using often, across many account moves. "My name is Caroline. I live in New York. Everything else is a work in progress." Thirteen years later and this is still the case. I guess I never expected any different. I was never going to turn out like some kind of cake, but the surprise really is that life feels very circular indeed. Back on lj of all places. Caroline, this is your life.

In future, friends, I might put personal posts like this one in a friends-only bubble. It's strange the things we share with the world, the walls we put up. Personal posts on an ostensibly fannish existence livejournal. I'm mostly anonymous to my fandom friends, even though many of you actually talk to me more often than some real life friends, and you are privy to the nightblogging world of my mind and you know my kinks and preoccupations. The shape of my privacy in this world seems strange and I'm making it up as I go along. But for now, chalk it up to the sleep deprivation. Another thing that hasn't changed in my adult life.

July 2017

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